Children and Grief 2

UNDERSTANDING AND ASSISTING A CHILD IN GRIEF

Good communication helps in all ages. How deeply a child will feel grief depends on the child and on their intellectual and emotional development. These factors also affect the way you will communicate with your child. One principle remains regardless of age: be honest and share true feelings. This kind of communication opens the door for your child to come back to you with more questions and share deeper concerns. Pain is unavoidable. Just as growing up involves necessary and healthy ‘growing pains’, so the child must endure the pain of grief in order to ‘work through’ this difficult time.

The following discussion is divided according to age. However, keep in mind that characteristics of the different groups tend to overlap. It is recommended that you read all sections.

THE BABY - Birth to 2 years

What does the baby feel? Although your child will have no understanding that a parent has died, there will be a sense of loss and a reaction to it. The child will sense at least: the absence of the person, and a change in the emotional atmosphere at home. Their secure world is being upset.

How does the baby react? Responses may include irritability, a change in crying or eating patterns, and bowel/bladder disturbances. Emotional withdrawal and even a temporary slowing of development may be observed. Usually the changes are temporary. As you begin to reorganise your family, the child’s world becomes stable again and these reactions usually reverse themselves.

Suggestions:

 

• Provide security and a stable environment. Seek support from family and friends to do this.
• Follow a schedule. Adhere as best you can to the child’s usual eating and sleeping routine.
• Hold the child often. Holding, touching, and soft talking give comfort, warmth and love.
• Play with your child. You may also find healing for yourself in the quiet and play times spent with your child.

 

Get help if needed. If you are concerned about how your young child is responding, share that concern with your family doctor, paediatrician, or someone trained in child behaviour.

THE PRE-SCHOOL CHILD - Age 3 to 5 years

Advice in the previous section also applies to the preschooler. Physical and emotional needs are similar. Another dimension is added: Communications is rapidly expanding the child’s world.

Death concept is limited. Children in this age group ask many questions in their search to understand what is happening. It is important, however, to realise that preschool children have a very limited concept of death. ‘Dead’ is simply being ‘less alive’. Children this age need to know that death is nothing like sleeping. Correctly using the words ‘died’ and ‘dead’ provides an honest base for the young child to begin to cope with what has happened.

Time concept is limited. A child this age has little concept of time and may frequently ask when the dead parent or loved one is coming back. Although the child can not always understand your answer, an honest explanation is important.

Questions may surprise you. Your child may ask: “why can’t we get a new Dad, Grandma?” This may shock you, but understand that the question comes from a need for security. Preschool children need assurance that they will be taken care of, and that the family will remain intact. Answer their questions honestly. Give reassurance of your care.

Indifference. You may also be alarmed when your preschooler appears to show no emotion or sadness over the death. This is not unusual. Children have short ‘sadness spans’ and do not tolerate painful emotions for any length of time. They have a great need to resume normal activities, especially play. Play is also a way of protecting themselves from their loss.

Openness. Children this age tend to tell others, even strangers about their loss. They may be seeking support and may be checking the reactions of others to discover how it is they themselves should feel.

Common behaviours. The following behaviours are often a part of the normal grieving process:

 

• PHYSIOLOGICAL DIFFICULTIES There may be eating and sleeping disturbances, bowel and bladder difficulties, body distress such as stomach-aches, headaches or rashes.
• REGRESSION Children may return to a behaviour that had been given up prior to the death, such as thumb sucking, inability to tie shoes, excessive clinging to you or a favourite possession and/or temper tantrums. Children of all ages regress under stress.
• FEARS Normal childhood fears may intensify. Examples: fear of the dark; of going to sleep; or being taken away.
• IMAGINED GUILT Fantasies leading to guilt are common. Almost all children, at some point, wish their parents were not there. Preschool children may think their thoughts had something to do with it. Tell your child that nothing they did caused the death, nor can they make a sick person well or a dead person come back to life.
• EMOTIONS There may be periods of sadness, anger, crying, outbursts, anxiety or boredom.

 

What should you do? Your most important role is to understand and accept these reactions as normal and to share this acceptance with your child. Remember your child is working through their grief and also continuing to grow up.

Get help. If troublesome behaviour does not improve over time, get professional support and advice. Your doctor can recommend someone.

THE PRIMARY SCHOOL CHILD - Age 6 to 10 years

Death concepts grow. Beginning with a pre-school concept of death, the primary school child gradually comes to understand its reality. By age 10 or before, the child will probably understand it fairly well but may still believe that death happens only to other people.

Information is needed. Children in this age group cope best by understanding. They need simple, honest and accurate information.

Grief is revisited. As with adults, children are unprepared for the length of the grieving process. The work of grief is not counted in minutes or days and does not happen all at once. Children especially can approach and then avoid their feelings. Adults need to accept this on-again, off-again method of grieving.

School adds problems. Relating to teachers and classmates may create situations which will need your help. Contact the child’s teachers. Before your child returns to school, call and explain what has happened. This helps ease the return and provides support. Most teachers are sympathetic and concerned in these situations. If you share this brochure with the teacher, it might help. Also, ask to be told of any problems that occur at school.

Prepare your child for questions and remarks. School-age children are often inconsiderate in their search for new information. When they ask your child why s/he has not been at school, your child ought to say “My Mum (Dad) died.” Probing questions may follow, which you should prepare your child for. Nothing else needs to be said, however, unless your child wishes to share more.

Make time at the end of the school day. It doesn’t have to be long, but some one-to-one attention can provide excellent support. Physical touch (hugs, kisses, a pat on the back or gentle squeeze of the arm) continue to be an all important way of showing love.

Watch for these school related grieving behaviours:

 

• Socially inappropriate behaviour in class
• Anger towards teacher and classmates
• Poor grades due to an inability to concentrate or preoccupation with the loss
• Physical ailments, such as headaches or stomach-aches, either prior to or during school.

 

Get help. Again these symptoms and behaviours are a normal part of the primary school child’s grieving process. Usually they are temporary, but may be seen ‘on and off’ over a long period. If the behaviour is especially severe or continues more than a few weeks, seek out a therapist or grief counsellor for assistance.

Anger. Anger about the death is normal and tends to emerge in this age group. Sometimes the anger is focused on certain people for causing the death. These targets may be God, the doctors, nurses or anyone else involved. Encourage your child to talk about their anger. Share your own anger. Your attitude will reassure your child that they’re okay and will help diffuse the anger. Finding a pleasurable activity may also help release anger. We all struggle with it.

THE PRE-ADOLESCENT AND ADOLESCENT Age 10 to 18 years (approx)

Death concept matures. By the beginning of adolescence (typically 12 to14 years), most children have a rather complete view of life. However, much of what has been said about the younger ones can still apply, just as some of this section applies to the primary school child.

Grieving adolescents may have an identity problem. These children are in the midst of developing their self-awareness awareness and testing their independence. The death may put this status in question. It especially applies when a child loses a parent. They may then try to grow up quicker and assume the role that has been lost. Discourage adult responsibility. It will be necessary for the teenager to do some of the chores and assume some responsibility. However, they need to remain children in transition and should not ‘leap into adulthood’. Also they will need support, security, understanding and guidance.

Emotions tend to be hidden. It may be difficult for you to tell if your adolescent child is coming to terms with the loss. This is because they hide their emotions lest they be seen as different or abnormal. Nonetheless, their emotions may be intense and overwhelming.

Behaviour may be affected. Adolescence is a time marked with peer pressure and experimentation. Common behaviours may become worse. You may see some of the following ‘acting out behaviours’:

 

• Fighting with other children
• Rebelling against authority
• Dropping old friends
• Being sexually promiscuous
• Unruliness at school
• Running away
• Using drugs
• Suicidal tendencies

 

Help, Help! Try to find ways to help them verbalise their grief. Set limits on behaviour and teach the consequences of violating those limits. Encourage healthy ways to release emotions through various physical activities. Showing no signs of emotion for extended periods may indicate depression. Likewise severe ‘acting out behaviours’ may be a cry for help. Call the school counsellor. You need support and your child will need professional help.

YOUNG ADULT Age 19 and over

Young adults understand consequences. They know about death as well as anyone and can perceive how this will change the family structure. They may feel responsible for caring for a surviving parent. They might decide that getting a job is best now rather than continued education. This may lead to ambivalence and confusion about what is in their best interest. You can help by keeping the focus on their needs, not yours.

Release. This will not be easy because of your own need. They want to hear you say clearly that it is okay to go on with their own life.