Helping bereaved friends

Introduction

These suggestions and guidelines to help the bereaved have been compiled in recognition that there is a need for family and friends to have something concrete on which to base and reinforce their actions.

If by reading this brochure, your actions become more sensitive and understanding to the complexities and depth of emotion involved at the time of bereavement, you are not only helping the survivors but the community as well.

Funeral Service

Your support at the funeral service, recognising that someone has died, is your way of showing that you are there and that you do care.

It is very important that, when the funeral service has ended, the people you care for know that you are still there. This is the most difficult time as others go back to their normal activities, because the bereaved’s life has changed dramatically. They may feel alone, both physically and in dealing with their feelings and emotions.

Clichés

We are all guilty of using clichés when we are unsure of what to say, especially while trying to support and comfort the bereaved.

Clichés like:

“I know just how you feel”

“Be strong”

“You’ll get over it”

“Others have lived through it”

However, the bereaved may misinterpret your efforts to support them and feel even more misunderstood or alone because of your use of clichés.

Let them tell you what their needs and emotions are at this time, instead of you telling them how they should feel.

Help them to express their feelings

Encourage the bereaved to express their emotions and feelings by using simple sentences which encourage dialogue:

“What are you feeling?”

“It must be very hard for you”

“Tell me what’s happening with you”

It’s important that they feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, fears and emotions.

Focus on where they are and accept their moods for what they are. Whether it be anger, fear or panic, you are not there to judge.

Remember the bereaved person needs to talk - not just for a few days after the funeral, but for weeks, months or even years to come.

Attitudes may change from day to day, or even hour to hour. Just because they do not want to talk one day, does not mean they will not want to talk the next. Be aware of, and sensitive to these changes. Let them know you are there when they need you.

Don't overwhelm

While it is important to be there when the bereaved person wants to talk, they should never be forced into sharing their innermost emotions or feelings. If you feel unsure of how to deal with such a problem, simply say:

“If you feel like talking, I’m always here.”

Sometimes, there is no need for conversation. Just as you accept their talking, accept their silence.

Share with them

Crying is a natural expression of grief and a means for people to express their loss of a loved one. Tears are not a sign of weakness and can be a shared experience.

Don’t forget to laugh. Recounting and enjoying the humorous experiences, fun and good times is all part of the recovery process.

Death should not put a ban on laughter.

Touching. Words can sometimes be meaningless. Touching can mean or say more than any words. An appropriate hug, squeeze of the hand or a pat on the shoulder can convey a message of quiet care.

Writing a letter. You may want to send a note to the bereaved, with your own special memories about the person who has died. These notes can be very special and are often kept for years to come.

Remember special days

Special days can be especially difficult for the bereaved. Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries all have special meaning. Because others are also talking about these days, they can take on special significance.

You could call them and let them know you are thinking of them and that you are there if needed. You may like to invite them to your home or to go out with you to share in a day’s activity.

Understand that these occasions are full of special memories about the person who has died, and that the bereaved may wish to talk about or share these memories. No one need pretend that life goes on just as it did before the person died.

Continue to call

Keep calling on the bereaved, even if it appears that they are managing. Often they feel that they may be intruding by continuing to ask for help.

Small helps. Don’t ask if you can do anything for them. Look for things that you may be able to do. Then do it.

Telephone and visit when you think of it.

Invite them to your home, make a time. Don’t just leave an open invitation - rarely is it taken up.

Demonstrate that you care,
That you really have not forgotten them

Over a period of months, the bereaved person will start making new plans, re-establish normal friendships, make new friends and get back into the mainstream of life. When this happens, you will feel good about having helped that person through their journey. That’s the real value of what you can do as a friend.